PRICELESS POSSESSION
Standing under the big Gulmohar tree,I watched the bulky truck move slowly out of my sight...and i thought to myself.....there goes my world in a single truck but in many trunks!!!
Along with just a suitcase remained one trunk with immediate required stuff,the bear essentials to go with us,on yet again another posting.And the fresh painted letters on the trunk read-Lt.Col.R RAWAT,and below was-FROM PATHANKOT TO MHOW(M.P)
Yes,I always wanted to marry an army personnel.Coming from Dehradoon,I found them everywhere,the roads,the market places,railway stations,etc..I would fancy and admire the young officers on cycles and scooters and families in cars and jongas and jeeps,and the one tonnes and the three tonnes!!As young girls we were always besotted by the charm of their spic and span turn outs and discipline besides their 'P's and 'Q's!
But there was one thing more which always drew my attention,the ever green black trunks one got to see accompnying every soldier!!!Every railway station is thronged with soldiers and their inseparable black trunks....
The soldier and his family has a very distinctive individuality.Apart from the love for our motherland,the loyalty towards our regiments,the ferver of do or die,the songs of martyrs in our hearts,the olive green uniforms adorned by a neat crew cut hair style,the almost see through shine on the notoriously heavy black boots.....we have something very very special and common amongst us-'the black boxes'.
Literally,these black boxes narrate the tales of valour from within.Open one and you would find the collection of mementoes,depicting the brave operations conducted in past during their previous postings.You read on tittles like-'operation bajrang','operation rhino','operation orchid','operation meghdoot' and so on..You also find the love passed on by the fellow men in olive green on the brass plates,reminding forever of comradeship shared during thick and thin.One recognizes the protocol and hierarchy strictly followed by one and all,when one sees the line of uniforms placed inside.The blue patrol,the white patrol or the six alpha or the six bravo,the dangri,the O.G uniform,and my hot favourite the combat dress!!Also comes out are the ribbons and medals,rank badges,appelets,berret and hackles and poms,the lanyard and the thick,rough belts,the D.M.S boots and the other kinds.These are the decoratives ,adornments and accessaries they can never march out without!!!Truly a black box!
Going back to the native homeland,once again you will definately find old,rusted trunks in one of those attics of your ancestral homes.I had ,one after marriage and the doors of this attic opened only with Amma's (my mother-in-law) secret keys.You could read the Lt.R.RAWAT in white on black background as amma lovingly opened it telling me how she bought this trunk for her 'titoo'when he went to N.D.A.Inside were the treasures collected by a mother of a soldier.The old passport size,black and white photographs of a youth of bygone years,the letters from his dormitory written to his father but preserved carefully by his mother,the old discarded shirts,shorts and socks,given to be distributed to the needy souls but couldn't be parted with old rakhi threads sent to the neighbouring sisters.Amma also showed me the snap of a pretty girl,'Anju',her son's first crush along with the photograps of other classmates and schoolmates.Humm..so muchof hazy,faded past memories stored afresh into these black boxes!!
I got my share of this priceless possession after i became ,Mrs Rawat w/o Capt.R.Rawat.With two boxes as a bachelor,it soon multiplied to ten and twelve and the number never ceased to stop.
How can it ever??A wife's dream lives inside it,her drawing room,the bed room, kids room, the kitchen,everything after all is inside these very accomodating black boxes!!Soon in few years you find the draftsman making stencils of increasing numbers to changing ranks.The 'Capt'. changes to 'Maj'.and the 'Maj.' peeps out from behind the 'Lt.Col's' paper pastings,and the 'Col' gets promoted to a 'Brig.' in times ahead.
Somtimes the freshly painted letters in white try hard to outshine the old letters,struggling to hide-'From,Dimapur to DehraDun'or 'From,Leh to lucknow'.
And ,so glimpses of many of the life's shades,we get to discover in these black trunks.......
- a soldier's life time achievement lies inside it!
- a son's frozen moments while parting from his mother's arms in youth,breathes inside it!
- and a wife's whole beautiful dream world lives in warmth inside it!
And life moves on and on,carried,hidden within the securities of these very black trunks....
NO DOUBT A PRICELESS POSSESSION.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
THE DEAD END
Sipping the tea quietly, I sat on my couch in my favourite corner. I was in deep thoughts ,and this was about my very good friend Preeti Saxena.We stayed in the separated family quarters (S.F),for four years by now, in the same station where our husbands were once posted together. Her husband Lt Col.Atul Saxena an infantarian was also my husbands course mate.
Both made a very sweet couple, as I would always say….Preety a wonderful homemaker , having excellent culinary proficiency , a very classy touch to her interiors , I for one was always her great fan and admired her taste and housekeeping par excellence . And Atul a soft spoken gentleman, a very good host and a diligent officer.Like Preeti he too possessed a very loveable and likeable demeanour. And yet ….yes, yet...both of them were not made for each other.They were two good people in one bad marriage!!!The difference of background thoughts and interests, I suppose…
Somehow things didn’t work out into bridging the gap between their relationships as time elapsed. Her words resonating into my ears-“I move on and on even when my relationship with Atul has a dead end.”
II know she tried balancing the life beautifully .She as herself, always full of life buzzing with witty and humorous anecdotes ….Everybody enjoyed her company. Ever so graceful and stylish .She did manage to draw that special attention by one and all. She deserved a better partner , this thought crossed my mind many a times .Atul never made an effort to to understand her wants ,needs desires, and her insecurieties.Most of the time she found herself lost, making rules and taking decisions. She struggled hard to live up to every ones expectations Not only this …like a conscientious mother, she raised her 8year old daughter .I had felt a very strong vibes and bonding between the mother and daughter.
Though a 14 year old marriage ,most of the time spent was in seperations.Somtimes it was an official posting and sometimes it was due to family constraints. As a young bride of 25yrs , she had a sister –in-law to be married, a brother-in-law to be settled and a father-in-law who suffered from Alzheimer’s. She performed her duties to the best of her efforts and knowledge and earned a lot of respect from her in laws. An ideal “bahu “as she was regarded by the family. Then why the unhappiness???And what was missing from her life???
The girl in her seemed trapped and the woman in her seemed caged ….She had the wings to fly, but longed for the open space around her.Atul gave her all the freedom she needed except his time and himself!!!He had told her once, that he had got married on her mother’s insistence, for he never wanted to get married. His needs and urges were limited. She was heartbroken and hurt that day .She could not understand him. He was always so self reliant and independent .Was never demanding , a trait which was much appreciated by the other women folks .Atul never bothered her even with a glass of water, he never asked her for the handkerchiefs and socks when he could not find them. He ate whatever offered to him, never questioned her for her decisions, a compliant soul, that was Lt Col Atoll saxena.Blessed she was, or, was she???
She was a lonely woman. The man in her life was never around, whenever she most needed him. And he never seemed to require her!!! there were times when she was stranded in the middle of the road with a punctured tyre , the times when she had to deal with paper work needed for the loan sanctioning in the bank , her own work pressure of the job ( she was a lecturer and a free lancer to many magazines and news papers). It always pained her to think of the rounds she made to the hospitals for her checkups while pregnant , the memories peeved her more when she thought of the times when she had to rush her little daughter for nebulisations when she got breathless , or when she required immediate paediatric help when unwell. And the most torturous were the long lonely nights when she lay awake feeling the emptiness surrounding her room. How she missed Atul for comfort, counselling’s and caresses her so well deserved!!!There was always lack of communication between them. No warm loving talks and no soft pampering pats and touches and no compensation to the loss of care and affections caused by the separations, as she always expected. He was not made that way.
Atul always considered her to be a strong woman, woman of steel and would take her for granted. While to her she was only a modern educated confident woman. He failed to recognize the emotional, dreamy, passionate girl whose dreams died young….. Her own families old age dictum was- have a baby and things would change. But it never did!!! She named her little baby girl –“Titli”, Preeti had dreams in her eyes for her little one when she named her…for she wished her little ‘titli’ to flutter freely in the garden of happy blooms , where love and laughter sprinkled like dew drops all around , where hugs and kisses were in abundance , flowing carelessly in the cool breeze , where dragon flies and squirrels kept all the pain and tears away from her life ,by being her true friends.Titli was a fairy tale for preeti…she existed because of her child.
So this was what was missing from her own life. The ‘touch’ and the ‘love’. I recalled her words again-“I move on and on but my relationship with Atul has a dead end !!!
I was startled by the sound of my cell ringing, dispelling the clouded thoughts of preeti and her life….it was Pretty on the other side…Hey! Namo , I needed to talk to you. I have a confession to make . There is something important happening in my life, I want to share it with you, and I know you will understand every moment of it. As she hung I heard her fading voice I am waiting….
I saw innocent eagerness in her bright and beautiful eyes, as she offered tea to me. “Well! How are things? All fine in Atul’s unit? I hope nothing of concern.”
“Things are fine and as usual with him .It’s just that I was feeling a little low and confused with life…”
“I know ,I know, we all go through these morning blues while our stay in S. Fs and we also end up making some lifelong friends in the process of being one another’s emotional support systems. It is absolutely normal to feel dejected, lonely, and depressed. This is the price every wife of a soldier pays. But isn’t that bad either. Draw your courage and energy by looking at your neighbours, tell yourself that ‘if she can, so can I’, it’s a temporary phase we all go through it. Tell your heart ‘this too shall pass’. Find and search happiness in small things in life and move on….”
Humm…..She heaved a deep sigh and smiled softly at me, and said, “Yes, Namo, I have found my happiness!!! I am in love; I am in love with somebody!!!”
“What??I was speechless as I sat there, shocked and surprised You silly woman , be in your senses now don’t tell me ,here we have , yet again one of those flings and affair stories these S.Fs are replete with !!!”
“Oh! Come on Namo ! Give me my due! And besides every fling or affair as you put it, has a reason to have happened. Things don’t always happen for cheap fun! All I know is that I have fallen in love and it all happened gradually, I never realized it till it happened!!And worst still it happened when Atul was here. As a matter of fact, it was Atul’s presence and not his absence which brought Shiraaz and me close to each other!!”
“Shiraaz??”
“Yes. Major Shiraaz Masani, a parsi bachelor, an infantarian,earlier posted in H.Q Delhi but now in J&K in Rashtrya Rifles!”
Humm..I sat speechless still surprised since all these days I was near Preeti and never ever sensed love in air !!Though I do remember this young officer visiting her place.Smart and distinctly remember his simplicity. He had an average attractivness.Anyways, I can’t draw conclusions without knowing the truth and the fact, Life is after all a mystery and fairy tales do happen around us.So may be ...God has graced her after all with a little experience of happiness and love!!SO??? I waited awkwardly to be told about the start of her new found feelings…
“Well! Atul on his last leave travelled together with Shiraaz.Shiraaz was coming here for his course in town . They got along well .They came to my college enroute to pick me up. That was the first time we met.Atul and him exchanged a few expressions in Guajarati, as Atul had served in Gujarat for a very short period of time...They also knew some common officers belonging to their respective units.I treated him as any 38yrs old lady and a colonel’s wife would have behaved with a 28 yrs old officer.I sat in the rear sit along with him in our car participating in their conversation. Nothing much. Having reached home he excused himself for he had to report on time. As he was leaving I saw Atul exchanging my cell number with him for the information he wanted regarding the common officers they had known.”
“O.K, that’s how he got your number, so did he call?”
“Yes, the next day he did, and it were for Atul, but since he wasn’t available, we started to talk... I told Shiraaz about Atul’s passion for the share market and matters related to property dealings. He was always busy with things I never understood! Not realizing much we almost spoke for an hour that day.”
“So, you had an instant connection with him Preeti??
“Oh! Not really Namo, in fact I found him immature initially. And I was my dominating self asking questions and having the last says during the conversation”
O.K, what then?”
“Well, the next we met was in the club. It was the last dance of the month day, a Saturday.Titli and myself were sitting in one corner of the garden , when I heard the now familiar voice-Hello Ma’am , it was Shiraaz.Where is sir? Amongst the crowd I replied. He went with Titli to get a candy floss on her demand, and returned shortly,Atul too came with a glass of beer for me in hand and after sharing a few formal expressions excused and went to a group of officers near the bar..It was a regular feature and I had to hunt for company in most of such situations.Shiraaz and I felt a little out of place together, not knowing what to say, we sipped our drinks quietly. I was hurt at Atul’s neglect and Shiraaz seemed to read the anger and anguish in my eyes as he looked at me.”
“Care for a dance?”
“No, I don’t feel like actually, unless,Titli wishes to..”she did’t either,gulping her juice she ran away amonst the group of girls playing on the stage.Just then his cell rang,it was his mother on line,he excused himself politely and went aside to answer it,and coming back ,opened his cell and showed his mothers photograph on its screen.”hey,she is very sweet and graceful lady”,I said.”Humm..she is”
“Namo, I was actually touched by his this gesture and not many at that age would keep their mother’s snap on the screen, I thought to myself.And I was so overwhelmed by the fact that he was trying to keep me company,the entire evening.While I was my husbands responsibility and not his !”
I received a good morning message from him the next day and it read-“Blue suits you and you looked stunning in that sari yesterday..Good Morning”
“I kept quiet for sometime, I was touched…It was a compliment I was receiving after ages, I suppose.I had forgotten how it felt to be appreciated !! I must have read that message so many times that day and it made me feel so happy and I looked at the mirror, feeling my existence!! I had started liking his company by now. Stop looking at me imploringly,Namo!
“Ha ha …ya,I am more curious now, go on , out with the rest of it you…adorable creature,go on…”
“Well Namo , Shiraaz carried on wishing me thereafter each morning . I was getting used to his good mornings !! And one day I got so restless on not receiving his message ,I waited impatiently the entire day for the sound of the message alert on my cell . I got a call from him in the evening.”
“Hey, where are you ? he said
“I am in my room” I replied.
“could you please open the door? I am standing outside !!”
He had dropped in….
Titli ushered him in,she was happy to see him. She soon wanted him to see her drawing book and other nick nacks.She wouldn’t let him him talk to me. I admired his patience; they were soon watching Tom and Jerry show!! He turned at me and looking at me said, “Why do you have dark circles under your eyes? Stressed out?
“Humm, no not really, but I am insomniac can’t sleep, I stay awake till late as 4 in the mornings .Either reading or doing whatever comes to my mind”
“No, but thats not good for you, you should definitely do something about your life style.”
Oh! Come on who cares about dark circles, when one is embroiled in the vicious circle of life….one is supposed to handle!!”
Anyways ,Namo, this was the time he had understood that all was not well in my marriage. Infact, Atul and I had ,had an argument just before he had arrived and I had been crying when Shiraaz dropped in…..
“Hey do you mind if we had coffee, you love it too??”
“Humm, o.k. ”He kept Titli engaged as I made coffee…I mustered up courage as I saw Titli go out to play and questioned him, sitting down with my cup in hand.
Look Shiraaz I need to know, whats on your mind? I am a married woman of 38yrs of age. And we have nothing in common. Why should we interact so much? I can’t possibly be your friend.”He looked at me unmoved and replied taking a deep breath…
“O.K , point one-age is no factor to be friends, point two-I like your company and respect you for what you are, point three-I am a decent harmless soul and point four-don’t ask me any more questions for I have no answers to many….”
“You are mad!” I told him
“You are too” he said, and we both laughed together.
He had once again touched me within…
On many such occasions Shiraaz saw a very personal side of my life. And somehow both of us felt as if Atul never minded our being together…as if he was giving us our time and space.
“Why is sir like this?”
“I don’t know, maybe he trusts me too much or maybe he cares too little…..”
“You know Namo , it was just the normal communication and conversations that we were indulging in…And his small cares and concerns kept touching my soul. You know once he gave me a call saying that his amount on cell was over and so I should call him up, He was tired of studying and wanted to take a break… I liked the authoritative tone in his request.”
“I know Preeti you had found a very good and reliable emotional anchor in him! And I understand it…”
Yes, and even he would confide in me about his past and present and about his family and professional happenings. He would tell me, the silliest and minutest of details regarding his course and seminars. He even got me a wonderful article on crisis management and stress management, from one of his lectures.
And once on returning from his exercise enroute he gave me a call…”What are you doing?’
I told him I was colouring my hair with Intense red colour...and that I was just in mood of going crazy…He almost jumped out of the bus…shouting ..At me saying..”Wait till I come back don’t end up looking like a punk, stop the streak you freak!!!”
I laughed and said, “who cares!’
“I do” and he hung up…I kept quiet , he had touched me deeply, and I pondered , there was more to it than what seemed to me…..I mattered to him….
“Oh !Namo,the feeling of being loved and wanted is all I ever wanted in life….which I never received from my husband..But sadly from a stranger…with whom I have no future….dead end again!!!”
Anyway, soon Atul left for his post and I had a marriage in the family, so I was away at my relatives, it was now that Shiraaz and I realized how much we missed each other…I was so restless that I cut short my trip and returned.
He came the next evening to meet me, got ice-cream and chocolates for Titli .I can’t forget that special evening, Namo ! I offered him water and sat next to him on the sofa, he took my hand in his and softly kissed my fingers and then he placed my hand on his heart and kept holding it there…I just sat dumb struck! He locked my fingers with his as I tried pulling my hand, and looked straight into my eyes and murmured “don’t you see, I love you baby, and you better believe me ! Your present is all that I think of, I want to make up for the time lost by you so far , you matter so much to me now that the day you sleep on time ,I am so contented and happy that I get a peaceful sleep too, I have become so possessive of you that I can’t bear the site of other officers talking to you, I know it is insane but I detest the idea of even Atul sharing the same room with you…..I know both of us at the moment are helpless, but I can’t think of anything else but loving you. We only get to live one life I want you to live that life, don’t merely survive, live a life full of love! You don’t fall in love every day in your life so recognize it if you feel it….take your time and learn to live for yourself too, you have e right to feel the heart beat you have right to behave like a teenager when happy , you have right to flutter like your Titly in the garden of happy blooms, you only need to give wings to your heart now, and I want you to know that I come to you again and again ,not for the want of lust but for the want of love..He left the room leaving me lost and sombre….He soon had his exams and we couldn’t meet till the last three days of his stay. He spent the entire three days with me shopping and playing games with Titli and cooking and watching a movie on cable .And on one such evening before he left and said bye, he took me in his arms and kissed me. There was warmth and compassion in his touch, his eyes were moist and sad, I accepted him and surrendered, I couldn’t bear to see him go, he had gone! We spoke on cell the entire night, making promises and consoling each other and trying to keep the brave front but we could do nothing about the heartaches and the pain inside….”
“Namo,its been four months now since he left and he is coming the next week only to meet me!!And all of these days, he never missed a good morning message and have talked to me every night. But to think of it, dead end is all I reach in any of my relationships. Be it the road to unhappiness with Atul or be it the road to happiness with Shiraaz, it finally leads to ‘the dead end’. I am so confused with life I need you to help me see sense and take decision.”
“Humm…I don’t know what to say Preeti !! But I am so happy to now recognize the glow on your face the happy giggly laughter’s you gave the positive change that I saw in you, you remain so cheerful and contented with yourself and above all you sleep on time these days….Love does strange things to people. Love is also God’s blessing from above, so accept it as it comes to you. Only time would guide and lead you ahead.”
I got up and hugged her as I prepared to leave and said “Preeti , I want you to remember this…..that dead end does not end at the point of no return!!!Infact one has to come back and restart having reached there….There is a different journey thereafter,how you travel and which lane and destination you choose is in your hands!!
And all those who love her would choose to stand by her, whatever the choice ….
Both made a very sweet couple, as I would always say….Preety a wonderful homemaker , having excellent culinary proficiency , a very classy touch to her interiors , I for one was always her great fan and admired her taste and housekeeping par excellence . And Atul a soft spoken gentleman, a very good host and a diligent officer.Like Preeti he too possessed a very loveable and likeable demeanour. And yet ….yes, yet...both of them were not made for each other.They were two good people in one bad marriage!!!The difference of background thoughts and interests, I suppose…
Somehow things didn’t work out into bridging the gap between their relationships as time elapsed. Her words resonating into my ears-“I move on and on even when my relationship with Atul has a dead end.”
II know she tried balancing the life beautifully .She as herself, always full of life buzzing with witty and humorous anecdotes ….Everybody enjoyed her company. Ever so graceful and stylish .She did manage to draw that special attention by one and all. She deserved a better partner , this thought crossed my mind many a times .Atul never made an effort to to understand her wants ,needs desires, and her insecurieties.Most of the time she found herself lost, making rules and taking decisions. She struggled hard to live up to every ones expectations Not only this …like a conscientious mother, she raised her 8year old daughter .I had felt a very strong vibes and bonding between the mother and daughter.
Though a 14 year old marriage ,most of the time spent was in seperations.Somtimes it was an official posting and sometimes it was due to family constraints. As a young bride of 25yrs , she had a sister –in-law to be married, a brother-in-law to be settled and a father-in-law who suffered from Alzheimer’s. She performed her duties to the best of her efforts and knowledge and earned a lot of respect from her in laws. An ideal “bahu “as she was regarded by the family. Then why the unhappiness???And what was missing from her life???
The girl in her seemed trapped and the woman in her seemed caged ….She had the wings to fly, but longed for the open space around her.Atul gave her all the freedom she needed except his time and himself!!!He had told her once, that he had got married on her mother’s insistence, for he never wanted to get married. His needs and urges were limited. She was heartbroken and hurt that day .She could not understand him. He was always so self reliant and independent .Was never demanding , a trait which was much appreciated by the other women folks .Atul never bothered her even with a glass of water, he never asked her for the handkerchiefs and socks when he could not find them. He ate whatever offered to him, never questioned her for her decisions, a compliant soul, that was Lt Col Atoll saxena.Blessed she was, or, was she???
She was a lonely woman. The man in her life was never around, whenever she most needed him. And he never seemed to require her!!! there were times when she was stranded in the middle of the road with a punctured tyre , the times when she had to deal with paper work needed for the loan sanctioning in the bank , her own work pressure of the job ( she was a lecturer and a free lancer to many magazines and news papers). It always pained her to think of the rounds she made to the hospitals for her checkups while pregnant , the memories peeved her more when she thought of the times when she had to rush her little daughter for nebulisations when she got breathless , or when she required immediate paediatric help when unwell. And the most torturous were the long lonely nights when she lay awake feeling the emptiness surrounding her room. How she missed Atul for comfort, counselling’s and caresses her so well deserved!!!There was always lack of communication between them. No warm loving talks and no soft pampering pats and touches and no compensation to the loss of care and affections caused by the separations, as she always expected. He was not made that way.
Atul always considered her to be a strong woman, woman of steel and would take her for granted. While to her she was only a modern educated confident woman. He failed to recognize the emotional, dreamy, passionate girl whose dreams died young….. Her own families old age dictum was- have a baby and things would change. But it never did!!! She named her little baby girl –“Titli”, Preeti had dreams in her eyes for her little one when she named her…for she wished her little ‘titli’ to flutter freely in the garden of happy blooms , where love and laughter sprinkled like dew drops all around , where hugs and kisses were in abundance , flowing carelessly in the cool breeze , where dragon flies and squirrels kept all the pain and tears away from her life ,by being her true friends.Titli was a fairy tale for preeti…she existed because of her child.
So this was what was missing from her own life. The ‘touch’ and the ‘love’. I recalled her words again-“I move on and on but my relationship with Atul has a dead end !!!
I was startled by the sound of my cell ringing, dispelling the clouded thoughts of preeti and her life….it was Pretty on the other side…Hey! Namo , I needed to talk to you. I have a confession to make . There is something important happening in my life, I want to share it with you, and I know you will understand every moment of it. As she hung I heard her fading voice I am waiting….
I saw innocent eagerness in her bright and beautiful eyes, as she offered tea to me. “Well! How are things? All fine in Atul’s unit? I hope nothing of concern.”
“Things are fine and as usual with him .It’s just that I was feeling a little low and confused with life…”
“I know ,I know, we all go through these morning blues while our stay in S. Fs and we also end up making some lifelong friends in the process of being one another’s emotional support systems. It is absolutely normal to feel dejected, lonely, and depressed. This is the price every wife of a soldier pays. But isn’t that bad either. Draw your courage and energy by looking at your neighbours, tell yourself that ‘if she can, so can I’, it’s a temporary phase we all go through it. Tell your heart ‘this too shall pass’. Find and search happiness in small things in life and move on….”
Humm…..She heaved a deep sigh and smiled softly at me, and said, “Yes, Namo, I have found my happiness!!! I am in love; I am in love with somebody!!!”
“What??I was speechless as I sat there, shocked and surprised You silly woman , be in your senses now don’t tell me ,here we have , yet again one of those flings and affair stories these S.Fs are replete with !!!”
“Oh! Come on Namo ! Give me my due! And besides every fling or affair as you put it, has a reason to have happened. Things don’t always happen for cheap fun! All I know is that I have fallen in love and it all happened gradually, I never realized it till it happened!!And worst still it happened when Atul was here. As a matter of fact, it was Atul’s presence and not his absence which brought Shiraaz and me close to each other!!”
“Shiraaz??”
“Yes. Major Shiraaz Masani, a parsi bachelor, an infantarian,earlier posted in H.Q Delhi but now in J&K in Rashtrya Rifles!”
Humm..I sat speechless still surprised since all these days I was near Preeti and never ever sensed love in air !!Though I do remember this young officer visiting her place.Smart and distinctly remember his simplicity. He had an average attractivness.Anyways, I can’t draw conclusions without knowing the truth and the fact, Life is after all a mystery and fairy tales do happen around us.So may be ...God has graced her after all with a little experience of happiness and love!!SO??? I waited awkwardly to be told about the start of her new found feelings…
“Well! Atul on his last leave travelled together with Shiraaz.Shiraaz was coming here for his course in town . They got along well .They came to my college enroute to pick me up. That was the first time we met.Atul and him exchanged a few expressions in Guajarati, as Atul had served in Gujarat for a very short period of time...They also knew some common officers belonging to their respective units.I treated him as any 38yrs old lady and a colonel’s wife would have behaved with a 28 yrs old officer.I sat in the rear sit along with him in our car participating in their conversation. Nothing much. Having reached home he excused himself for he had to report on time. As he was leaving I saw Atul exchanging my cell number with him for the information he wanted regarding the common officers they had known.”
“O.K, that’s how he got your number, so did he call?”
“Yes, the next day he did, and it were for Atul, but since he wasn’t available, we started to talk... I told Shiraaz about Atul’s passion for the share market and matters related to property dealings. He was always busy with things I never understood! Not realizing much we almost spoke for an hour that day.”
“So, you had an instant connection with him Preeti??
“Oh! Not really Namo, in fact I found him immature initially. And I was my dominating self asking questions and having the last says during the conversation”
O.K, what then?”
“Well, the next we met was in the club. It was the last dance of the month day, a Saturday.Titli and myself were sitting in one corner of the garden , when I heard the now familiar voice-Hello Ma’am , it was Shiraaz.Where is sir? Amongst the crowd I replied. He went with Titli to get a candy floss on her demand, and returned shortly,Atul too came with a glass of beer for me in hand and after sharing a few formal expressions excused and went to a group of officers near the bar..It was a regular feature and I had to hunt for company in most of such situations.Shiraaz and I felt a little out of place together, not knowing what to say, we sipped our drinks quietly. I was hurt at Atul’s neglect and Shiraaz seemed to read the anger and anguish in my eyes as he looked at me.”
“Care for a dance?”
“No, I don’t feel like actually, unless,Titli wishes to..”she did’t either,gulping her juice she ran away amonst the group of girls playing on the stage.Just then his cell rang,it was his mother on line,he excused himself politely and went aside to answer it,and coming back ,opened his cell and showed his mothers photograph on its screen.”hey,she is very sweet and graceful lady”,I said.”Humm..she is”
“Namo, I was actually touched by his this gesture and not many at that age would keep their mother’s snap on the screen, I thought to myself.And I was so overwhelmed by the fact that he was trying to keep me company,the entire evening.While I was my husbands responsibility and not his !”
I received a good morning message from him the next day and it read-“Blue suits you and you looked stunning in that sari yesterday..Good Morning”
“I kept quiet for sometime, I was touched…It was a compliment I was receiving after ages, I suppose.I had forgotten how it felt to be appreciated !! I must have read that message so many times that day and it made me feel so happy and I looked at the mirror, feeling my existence!! I had started liking his company by now. Stop looking at me imploringly,Namo!
“Ha ha …ya,I am more curious now, go on , out with the rest of it you…adorable creature,go on…”
“Well Namo , Shiraaz carried on wishing me thereafter each morning . I was getting used to his good mornings !! And one day I got so restless on not receiving his message ,I waited impatiently the entire day for the sound of the message alert on my cell . I got a call from him in the evening.”
“Hey, where are you ? he said
“I am in my room” I replied.
“could you please open the door? I am standing outside !!”
He had dropped in….
Titli ushered him in,she was happy to see him. She soon wanted him to see her drawing book and other nick nacks.She wouldn’t let him him talk to me. I admired his patience; they were soon watching Tom and Jerry show!! He turned at me and looking at me said, “Why do you have dark circles under your eyes? Stressed out?
“Humm, no not really, but I am insomniac can’t sleep, I stay awake till late as 4 in the mornings .Either reading or doing whatever comes to my mind”
“No, but thats not good for you, you should definitely do something about your life style.”
Oh! Come on who cares about dark circles, when one is embroiled in the vicious circle of life….one is supposed to handle!!”
Anyways ,Namo, this was the time he had understood that all was not well in my marriage. Infact, Atul and I had ,had an argument just before he had arrived and I had been crying when Shiraaz dropped in…..
“Hey do you mind if we had coffee, you love it too??”
“Humm, o.k. ”He kept Titli engaged as I made coffee…I mustered up courage as I saw Titli go out to play and questioned him, sitting down with my cup in hand.
Look Shiraaz I need to know, whats on your mind? I am a married woman of 38yrs of age. And we have nothing in common. Why should we interact so much? I can’t possibly be your friend.”He looked at me unmoved and replied taking a deep breath…
“O.K , point one-age is no factor to be friends, point two-I like your company and respect you for what you are, point three-I am a decent harmless soul and point four-don’t ask me any more questions for I have no answers to many….”
“You are mad!” I told him
“You are too” he said, and we both laughed together.
He had once again touched me within…
On many such occasions Shiraaz saw a very personal side of my life. And somehow both of us felt as if Atul never minded our being together…as if he was giving us our time and space.
“Why is sir like this?”
“I don’t know, maybe he trusts me too much or maybe he cares too little…..”
“You know Namo , it was just the normal communication and conversations that we were indulging in…And his small cares and concerns kept touching my soul. You know once he gave me a call saying that his amount on cell was over and so I should call him up, He was tired of studying and wanted to take a break… I liked the authoritative tone in his request.”
“I know Preeti you had found a very good and reliable emotional anchor in him! And I understand it…”
Yes, and even he would confide in me about his past and present and about his family and professional happenings. He would tell me, the silliest and minutest of details regarding his course and seminars. He even got me a wonderful article on crisis management and stress management, from one of his lectures.
And once on returning from his exercise enroute he gave me a call…”What are you doing?’
I told him I was colouring my hair with Intense red colour...and that I was just in mood of going crazy…He almost jumped out of the bus…shouting ..At me saying..”Wait till I come back don’t end up looking like a punk, stop the streak you freak!!!”
I laughed and said, “who cares!’
“I do” and he hung up…I kept quiet , he had touched me deeply, and I pondered , there was more to it than what seemed to me…..I mattered to him….
“Oh !Namo,the feeling of being loved and wanted is all I ever wanted in life….which I never received from my husband..But sadly from a stranger…with whom I have no future….dead end again!!!”
Anyway, soon Atul left for his post and I had a marriage in the family, so I was away at my relatives, it was now that Shiraaz and I realized how much we missed each other…I was so restless that I cut short my trip and returned.
He came the next evening to meet me, got ice-cream and chocolates for Titli .I can’t forget that special evening, Namo ! I offered him water and sat next to him on the sofa, he took my hand in his and softly kissed my fingers and then he placed my hand on his heart and kept holding it there…I just sat dumb struck! He locked my fingers with his as I tried pulling my hand, and looked straight into my eyes and murmured “don’t you see, I love you baby, and you better believe me ! Your present is all that I think of, I want to make up for the time lost by you so far , you matter so much to me now that the day you sleep on time ,I am so contented and happy that I get a peaceful sleep too, I have become so possessive of you that I can’t bear the site of other officers talking to you, I know it is insane but I detest the idea of even Atul sharing the same room with you…..I know both of us at the moment are helpless, but I can’t think of anything else but loving you. We only get to live one life I want you to live that life, don’t merely survive, live a life full of love! You don’t fall in love every day in your life so recognize it if you feel it….take your time and learn to live for yourself too, you have e right to feel the heart beat you have right to behave like a teenager when happy , you have right to flutter like your Titly in the garden of happy blooms, you only need to give wings to your heart now, and I want you to know that I come to you again and again ,not for the want of lust but for the want of love..He left the room leaving me lost and sombre….He soon had his exams and we couldn’t meet till the last three days of his stay. He spent the entire three days with me shopping and playing games with Titli and cooking and watching a movie on cable .And on one such evening before he left and said bye, he took me in his arms and kissed me. There was warmth and compassion in his touch, his eyes were moist and sad, I accepted him and surrendered, I couldn’t bear to see him go, he had gone! We spoke on cell the entire night, making promises and consoling each other and trying to keep the brave front but we could do nothing about the heartaches and the pain inside….”
“Namo,its been four months now since he left and he is coming the next week only to meet me!!And all of these days, he never missed a good morning message and have talked to me every night. But to think of it, dead end is all I reach in any of my relationships. Be it the road to unhappiness with Atul or be it the road to happiness with Shiraaz, it finally leads to ‘the dead end’. I am so confused with life I need you to help me see sense and take decision.”
“Humm…I don’t know what to say Preeti !! But I am so happy to now recognize the glow on your face the happy giggly laughter’s you gave the positive change that I saw in you, you remain so cheerful and contented with yourself and above all you sleep on time these days….Love does strange things to people. Love is also God’s blessing from above, so accept it as it comes to you. Only time would guide and lead you ahead.”
I got up and hugged her as I prepared to leave and said “Preeti , I want you to remember this…..that dead end does not end at the point of no return!!!Infact one has to come back and restart having reached there….There is a different journey thereafter,how you travel and which lane and destination you choose is in your hands!!
And all those who love her would choose to stand by her, whatever the choice ….
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